Can a Gal Just Get a Coffee?

And what’s with the gas cans?

Here’s the scene: Stan and I had date night last night, so we were out a bit later than usual which led to sleeping in a bit later than normal which led to a bit of a time crunch for my morning. I had just enough time to sneak in my own yoga practice, jump in the shower, make a quick iced soy latte for the road and make it to my class in time to teach.

I finished my practice, turned on the shower, and I went to light the stove to put on my stovetop espresso maker. I lit the match and turned on the gas. Wait a minute, no whoosh of flame. Where’s the smell of gas? Hey! What’s going on here? If I can’t light the stove….I CAN’T MAKE MY COFFEE! Damn. No time to stress about it so I jumped in the shower, rushed to class, and grabbed a Starbuck’s after, no problem. All is well.

Here in Dubai, gas stoves run on cans of LP gas. There is a line that runs from the stove through a hole in the cement wall of our villa to the gas can that sits unsheltered out in the driveway. It’s kind of disturbing to think of a pressurized can of LP sitting out in the blazing temperatures of 120° Fahrenheit and upwards. It’s a wonder the things don’t spontaneously combust. But that’s just how it works.

We have an electric oven and there’s only the two of us, so even though I cook a lot we don’t go through that much gas. I recall only changing the canister twice in the 3 + years we lived here the last time. The gas does, however, tend to run out at inopportune times. I think Karen’s ran out one year when she was cooking Thanksgiving dinner. To me, this morning was just as inopportune a time for a gas outage. (MUST HAVE COFFEE FIX!)

By now I’m home from class, happily caffeinated and realize I must deal with the lack of gas, since it’s the weekend. If I don’t get gas today (Thursday) I’m out of luck until Saturday since no one works on Friday. This is where the fun starts and I ask myself: WHY IS EVERYTHING SO BLOODY COMPLICATED HERE????

It takes four phone calls to find the right gas can guy and then two phone calls to get him here because there are no street addresses in Dubai. Instead we have a much more accurate system: al Wasl to al Manara Street, right turn at the signal, left turn onto Street 36, 2nd villa right hand side past the mosque. Yep. Once I get the guy here, actually two guys (there are always at least two guys, one has to drive the truck!) he informs me that my old, empty gas can has expired. Expired? How does that work? I’m totally thinking he’s trying to pull one over on “Madam,” when he begins to wobble his head even faster. Seems the gas can itself HAD expired on 12/05. “VERY DANGEROUS MADAM!” Oh God! Who knew?

By this time I’ve made great friends with the gas guy, who is pretty passionate about his job. I start to get interested and he’s happy to educate me. The gas can is so old that he can’t take it, because it can’t be refilled. Translation: I have to buy an entire new can at 450 dirhams ($123) instead of just paying the refill price of 86 dirhams ($23).

“What? 450 dirhams? I haven’t got that much cash in the house!” (Only cash is accepted.)

“Yes, Madam. Can very old. Very dangerous. So old. I cannot return.” (More head wobble wobble.)

“But I don’t have that much money on me and I have to cook Sir dinner?”

“Madam, buy a little can.”

“A little can?”

“Yes, only 350 dirhams ($95).”

“Well that doesn’t sound like a good deal. Half the gas for nearly 2/3 the price?”

“No Madam. Big can 22 kilos. Half can 15 kilos. Small house, small family, small can very good.”

Oh my God. Fine.

“Will you at least take the expired can away?” I ask.

“Madam, you no need it?” Shoot me now. What would I do with it? Cut the top off and have Abdul the Gardner plant petunias in it?

Gas can man hollers to gas can truck driver / gas can unloader man to return the big can to the truck in exchange for a small can. Then he goes on to tell me that the big local houses go through one big can of LP a day! That’s a lot of cooking. Then, to make sure this white woman, who was stupid enough not to notice that her gas can had expired understands, he adds that a big local house will go through not just one can per day, but 31 cans per month! Wow, you suppose?

All this for an iced soy latte. And I still had to cook dinner for Sir!